Getting Over Finn
by Readwitch
Summary: Season 2, takes place sometime before Prom.  Rachel thinks about her relationship with Finn.


**A/N: Okay, so this takes place in Season Two, probably right before Prom and Jesse, although it would probably divert from that a little. I don't know, this was supposed to be a funny one-shot about a weird coping mechanism, but instead it is angst.**

**I also would like to say that the views expressed by my Rachel in here are not 100% mine. I think she has a skewed understanding of some things without the gift of an outside perspective.**

Getting Over Finn

Rachel was in a bit of a loss. Finn had, in a moment of angry, betrayed passion, broken up with her in the middle of a crowded hall way. She had cried at first, more than a little heartbroken, but given him some time to cool off and rethink the situation.

He hadn't. Christmas had come and gone, a season of forgiveness and cherishing those you care about, and he was still just as determined to leave her in the dust... or, well, the Christmas tree plot. Only now it wasn't that passionate, fiery anger he had showed in the hallway. Instead, Finn had brushed her aside with a sort of bitter disappointment that had left Rachel feeling sick to her stomach.

And now she was on a quest to get over him.

Well, after she had done just about everything to try and win him back...but that obviously hadn't worked. She had, though, just about given up on that angle.

It was hard though. She missed him, quite a bit. More than she ever thought possible. She didn't want to give up and let him go.

She knew that a great many people looked at their relationship as though it was some grotesque science experiment with a short shelf life, but Finn did make her happy most of the time. They enjoyed each other's company. Finn wasn't really a fan of musicals, would never be a true leading man she had learned, but he watched them with her anyways. And, knowing him as she did, she felt a certain burst of accomplishment when she showed him one he honestly thought was awesome, like _Grease_ (the first one, they both agreed the second was a hideous abomination).

And Finn helped her be a little more laid back. He was such an easy going guy. She could never, and truthfully didn't want to, live as he did, but it was nice to visit occasionally. When they went out, whether it was bowling or watching movies or even him attempting to teach her the art of "gaming," she always had a mostly stress-free time. She enjoyed those moments when she wasn't worrying about Glee and her future or the other million things she had buzzing around in her brain.

It was relaxing in a way. Even when they did work on Glee stuff together, he could normally help ease her nerves. Or he let her go full on and didn't try and stop her. Either way worked for her, as long as it didn't negatively impact her performance.

And, though she didn't always enjoy it or appreciate it when it happened, he could be fairly good at calling her out. For a boy who was pretty whipped when dating Quinn and seemed to let her walk all over him (even before the pregnancy), Finn always knew just the words to bring her down from a self-induced ego trip. It could be...painful at times, to hear her own boyfriend agree that people didn't like her and that she needed to work on it, but it was the truth right..?

He was brutally honest with her because he cared, and she should appreciate it because she shared that trait. He was just trying to help, and she needed to be less sensitive. She could believe him every time he said something sweet about precisely because of those other moments, she knows he wasn't like the other boys, like Jesse, and just spouting off compliments to get in her good graces.

She just, sometimes, had wished he saw her differently than everyone else.

Although, he does have a different opinion of her now, right? Just an even worse one. He didn't want her anymore. He had at one point in time. He had loved her. No matter what Quinn and the others said, what they had was real. Before Rachel screwed it all up.

Except...except she couldn't honestly say that it had been completely real. Not when Finn had been lying their whole relationship. She had been a little unsure about going steady with Finn, the proverbial getting pinned, at the end of last year, to be honest. After Jesse and Shelby...she had been feeling a little low and brittle.

But Finn had spent the entire time she had been with Jesse waiting for her, thinking off her. Even when she was off with another man, even when he thought she was making love with another man, he had held steady. Not only had he not sought out anyone else, but he had actually turned down losing his virginity with one of the most sought after girls in school. For her! If she could trust anyone to really want her and not lie to her, it had been him. At least that was what she had thought.

Plus, she had been dealing with the thought of a crushing defeat and the end of the Glee Club. She wasn't stupid. People in Glee, as Santana had so kindly pointed out to her recently, put up with her for her voice. It was all she really had to offer. With Glee Club disbanded, everyone else would either remain friends or split off in groups, except her. Finn was the only one who saw any value in her beyond her voice, who loved her, who didn't want to lose her.

So she kissed him. She wasn't completely sure if she was ready to hop into a relationship, but they had all summer, and she thought she could trust Finn.

But she couldn't. It was true he loved her, that he wanted to be with her. But it wasn't true that he had chosen her over Santana. He had chosen to have his cake, eat it, and then lie about to her while everyone else laughed about her behind her back.

She had thought about this a lot before the break-up. Before her mistake. She hadn't been in the best state of mind when she made out with Noah. She had been hurting and stupid. But she hadn't been out to hurt him. She hadn't chosen Noah in some grand scheme to hit him where it would hurt the most. Noah had been the only one who was being nice to her, who "kinda liked her." And she found him aesthetically pleasing.

She had wondered sometimes if they would have worked out if he hadn't impregnated and then been hung up on Quinn and she hadn't been after Finn.

She cared about him, and, when he actually made an effort on her behalf, she stupidly took too much comfort in it. She still wasn't sure what sort of assurance she had been searching for, or why she had thought she'd find it in Noah's mouth, but she was glad he put a stop to it. Upset with herself that he had too, that she didn't, but thankful nonetheless. She hadn't been planning on losing her virginity or anything, but she was grateful it didn't go any further.

She had been so...pissed off at herself, forgive her language. If her...lapse with Noah proved anything to her, it was that she needed Finn. But she couldn't, wouldn't lie to him. He had already been through that before. She had wanted to, knew Noah would never tell, but he deserved to know, just like she had deserved to know about Santana. She had hoped the honesty, his own transgressions, and his love for her would be enough to hold them together.

Of course, she had been wrong again. The honesty just hurt him, he never owned up to his own culpability, and apparently hid love just didn't burn that bright for her.

At first, between her long crying jags in her room while listening to one of her most depressing playlists, she had furiously berated herself. She had typed essays at her stupidity and made lists and power points and recorded 27 songs on her YouTube account (a recent upgrade). But soon enough, she suck into a hateful depression. She eventually tried to turn it around and recoup, tried to win Finn back and prove their love was worth fighting for, but that didn't pan out.

Now, she was just trying to get over him. Maybe she didn't appreciate the way Finn had jumped back into Quinn's arms, who had done the same sin he broke up with her for but worse, or that everyone was acting like she was some phase he went through. But Quinn was right. She was out of line in her attempts to get him back, becoming that insecure, selfish girl everyone despised.

She would never apologize for her ambition or her wants, and she wouldn't apologize for the lengths she went through for professional success, even if it alienated some people. But personal goals and professional goals were different. She couldn't force Finn to love her, and she shouldn't try to manipulate him away from Quinn. Not again.

She was trying now, really trying and not just pretending to for the sake of those around her, to get over him. Her therapist had a number of suggestions, but up at the top was removing Finn from the pedestal she had place him on. Rachel needed perspective. There had been, after all, a reason for the break-up...and it wasn't all on her.

She had made out with Noah, true, but she wasn't the only one at fault. And she had owned up to it, at least. She had been mad at Finn. She had been right to be mad at Finn, was allowed to still be mad at Finn. Maybe he had broken up with her and maybe everyone was one his side, but she could still be mad at him. She could. Rachel didn't always have to be the villain, and Finn didn't always have to be the hero.

It was true and it did make her feel a little bit better, but it didn't really help her actually get over him at all. Contrary to what most people thought, Rachel knew Finn wasn't perfect. She didn't love him because he was some perfect, golden boy who was adored by all. She loved him because he was Finn. Sweet, dopey, sometimes emotional and irrational, but always genuine.

Maybe she didn't technically burn for him with the same passionate flame Noah ignited in their brief romantic moments. Maybe she didn't feel that same sense of comradery and understanding she had always felt with Jesse. But Finn was the only one she felt like she truly loved. He was her first friend and the only one that liked her and went out with her just for her.

That meant something to her.

That meant a lot to her.

But he doesn't want her anymore. And she's finally getting that he really is over her. Finn Hudson saw what Rachel Berry had to offer, saw all of what she was, and didn't like it. If she truly loves him, she has to let him try for happiness with the pretty blonde who makes him see fireworks.

If both her and Quinn cheated on him, and Quinn in a much worse manner and then lied about it, and he still chose her then...

Then it really was over.

Truly.

And she would have to deal with that.

She wasn't going to do what she did last time she felt this miserable. She wasn't going to let the crushing loneliness and misery push her into jumping into another relationship. Maybe she was stupid and weak, and maybe nobody liked her, but she owed it to herself to find some space and try to like herself again before anything else.

Maybe then she'd be able to get over Finn.

Although, she was still allowed the occasional _Funny Girl_ marathon to help. In fact, it was a requirement!


End file.
